Stress....

I'm sick and tired how everything evolves around money.... I constantly have to worry about money while i'm here. I feel bad depending on my parents for money.. and now it seems like one after another event after event all involves money.. I was hoping i could get a loan from JPA... guess that's out of d window.. i don't think i've met any criteria at all..Not sure.. i feel soo bad...and disappointed in myself sigh. It's even more annoying when i only have one friend here to talk to. sooner or later she's going to grow tired of me.. I pull myself down way too many times...and though i may be independent, i feel that sometimes i depend on the presence of friends around me.. Especially since i only have 3 great friends.. and the rest are just hi bye friends.

I know i should think of positive things. especially when day after day the more i'm conscious about my money, the more money is disappearing from me...It's really annoying.. Sam told me that if i really want something, i can make it happen. That's always been my motto, my philsophy in life. But lately my morale is deteriorating rapidly.... i'm scared of soo many things, disappointed in myself way too many time, i have goals but doesnt seem like i'm reaching them..I'm scared of repeating the same mistakes all over again. Too many negative thoughts lately. and i think it's all due to the fact that i'm all alone in this apartment. One thing i hate about being alone is that, i have a lot of time to kill....

Lots of Time = Plenty of time to format Negative thoughts 

Negative thoughts = Negative outcome

Negative outcome = Low morale and thus failing to do all task at hand..
Failing = me looking back at my past..

See how annoying this is.. though one good thing is that, even though i have to endure all of this now.. i think it's going to be worth it, the minute my knight in shining armour gallops his way to this god forsaken mind of mine.. My wish about you haven't come true yet.. I will make it happen. Hopefully once you're here everything will change for me.. I need this i need you. I need a change in the state of mind that i am in right now..I believe. once this is all over... and a new hope flies out to me... and hopefully change my state of mind.. don't get me wrong. i'm not expecting you to do anything. I just need your presence and the rest, my mind, will take its own course to recovery...

I've been suppressing most of my emotions for a while now... it's seeping out slowly.. It's harder to focus on the concealment process..Thus my mask is cracked... Need to change a new mask or fix the one that i have on right now...Need me to change myself....i need to wake up...and not indulge in my self pity anymore..