Bitter sweet Happiness
IN the last couple of months, it has been a lot of ups and downs for me. I can't help but feeling everything really happens for a reason. my relationship with god grew stronger. He continuously builds me up and keeping me centered and helping me to see what is the right way and how he has build a path for me to follow. Thank you lord for giving me that opportunity to shine and for me to go through all these hard obstacle and making me stronger in the last coule of weeks. I can't help but feeling there is a reason for everything
Dear lord,
I was wonderign why you ever put him in my path. He's always been there, he has all this great and awesome qualities in a man and i've learned so much with him. Then god, why did you make us become more than friends? I really had a great time and i really enjoyed myself for the first 2 weeks of our relationship. Somehow everything else starts to turn to hell after the first initial 2 weeks. It was really hard for both him and I to go through our relationship. It all started on the 21st of july. 2 days before his birthday. he was hanging out with me and he asked me to go and show him what makeup is about and how to put it on. That same day i dressed up for him and wore my makeup and my dress (black and green dress) and that was the day he fell for me and we started to hang out then. we watched tons of things online on you tube, then he asked me to lie down next to him. As we lay down i fell asleep and he asked me if i wanted to stay over. i did and we slept together. it was one of the greatest moments for me. I've been waiting for a long time for that to happen. honestly speaking I didn't think it would at all.
SInce then our relationship has been good. we had an awesome talk stating what we both want and we've decided to not want any official or real relationship. We're simple going to enjoy each other's comapny. THe first couple of weeks was awesome, we were in our honeymoon period. Everythign was nice, uttered the word love to each other, spending time together and being in each other's presence. Then one day everythign started to changed. we had tons of fight. which was caused by me. mainly for chosing the wrong subjects for him to enroll. As well as my persnal insecurities all came out as well. UNexpectedly. i hated every moment of that. Being awake and being tortured and knowing that i couldn't help the one I love to go through life and all his struggles that was caused by me. i Became the old me. SInce then we've spent nights fighting and him hating me, saying he wish he've never met me and all sort of things. I was emotinally drained. till 2 days ago when everythign started to changed. He manage to get through his assignmnets and stress and now I just need to fix on myself. I have to be stronger. i've depended on people far too long. is time for me to be strong. i am afraid that one day when he leaves I will revert back to my old self and will be a useless human being.
IN the last coupl of days as well, I've been trying to fix and getting rid of my insecurities slowly. knowing what is at stake. I need to step up. he was right. Everything I do. i'm still weak . I need to not be emotional and be strng and be able to do whatever I want in life. SOme days I wonder if he loves me the same way that he did in the beggining of our relationship. some days i would see glimse of it. SOme days non at all. Its really hard. I wish it would just be eay. then again I now if its too easy it won't be worth it. I question why he's still helping me and choosing to be with me. I feel like i don't deserve it some days. buti really appreaciate what he has done for me. I am a different person. whether I notice it or not. I'm less goverened by my fears.
I don't know what the purpose of him being in my life is, but god i wish you would make it easy enough and hard enough for me to go through this. I really feel that you need me to go through this experience for a reaason. Perhaps so that One day when i meet my match, I will be well taken care of. We'll see. FOr now god just really help me go through the days so that i can live and still focus on my studies god.... please i don't know hwat else i'm suppose to do ... thank yu....
Dear lord,
I was wonderign why you ever put him in my path. He's always been there, he has all this great and awesome qualities in a man and i've learned so much with him. Then god, why did you make us become more than friends? I really had a great time and i really enjoyed myself for the first 2 weeks of our relationship. Somehow everything else starts to turn to hell after the first initial 2 weeks. It was really hard for both him and I to go through our relationship. It all started on the 21st of july. 2 days before his birthday. he was hanging out with me and he asked me to go and show him what makeup is about and how to put it on. That same day i dressed up for him and wore my makeup and my dress (black and green dress) and that was the day he fell for me and we started to hang out then. we watched tons of things online on you tube, then he asked me to lie down next to him. As we lay down i fell asleep and he asked me if i wanted to stay over. i did and we slept together. it was one of the greatest moments for me. I've been waiting for a long time for that to happen. honestly speaking I didn't think it would at all.
SInce then our relationship has been good. we had an awesome talk stating what we both want and we've decided to not want any official or real relationship. We're simple going to enjoy each other's comapny. THe first couple of weeks was awesome, we were in our honeymoon period. Everythign was nice, uttered the word love to each other, spending time together and being in each other's presence. Then one day everythign started to changed. we had tons of fight. which was caused by me. mainly for chosing the wrong subjects for him to enroll. As well as my persnal insecurities all came out as well. UNexpectedly. i hated every moment of that. Being awake and being tortured and knowing that i couldn't help the one I love to go through life and all his struggles that was caused by me. i Became the old me. SInce then we've spent nights fighting and him hating me, saying he wish he've never met me and all sort of things. I was emotinally drained. till 2 days ago when everythign started to changed. He manage to get through his assignmnets and stress and now I just need to fix on myself. I have to be stronger. i've depended on people far too long. is time for me to be strong. i am afraid that one day when he leaves I will revert back to my old self and will be a useless human being.
IN the last coupl of days as well, I've been trying to fix and getting rid of my insecurities slowly. knowing what is at stake. I need to step up. he was right. Everything I do. i'm still weak . I need to not be emotional and be strng and be able to do whatever I want in life. SOme days I wonder if he loves me the same way that he did in the beggining of our relationship. some days i would see glimse of it. SOme days non at all. Its really hard. I wish it would just be eay. then again I now if its too easy it won't be worth it. I question why he's still helping me and choosing to be with me. I feel like i don't deserve it some days. buti really appreaciate what he has done for me. I am a different person. whether I notice it or not. I'm less goverened by my fears.
I don't know what the purpose of him being in my life is, but god i wish you would make it easy enough and hard enough for me to go through this. I really feel that you need me to go through this experience for a reaason. Perhaps so that One day when i meet my match, I will be well taken care of. We'll see. FOr now god just really help me go through the days so that i can live and still focus on my studies god.... please i don't know hwat else i'm suppose to do ... thank yu....
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